Moving From Theory To Action: Unplugging

ACT

To support you in practicing unplugging, here are some reflection questions:

The next time you take a quick scan of social media, emails, etc. ask yourself, “What did I learn and how did it make me feel?” It can be helpful to get some baseline data on the impact it’s having on your mood.

1.  When you begin to reach for your device, pause. As yourself, “What could be gained from checking right now? Will it support what I’m doing?” Practice delaying it- especially if you are with others or eating.

2. Take a look at your calendar and ask yourself, “Where in my day am I making meaningful connections with others? Are there better ways I’d like to spend my evenings rather than surfing social media?” Reflecting upon who and what is important to you and making a plan toward those connections is much more fulfilling.

3. “What boundaries do I want to put in place so that I have better balance with my technology use?” There are many ways to do this, including: take email off of your phone, set a time for when you power down each night, avoid sleeping with the phone in your room (buy an alarm clock if needed!), wait before getting on technology in the morning, take a technology-free day, try the three-day digital detox, turn off social media notifications, stop retweeting, reposting, liking, etc. set your email to batch and release throughout the day at periodic intervals. The list goes on! Good luck!

The Importance of Unplugging

Sunrise

I just got back from a ten-day vacation with my husband sailing and relaxing in Puerto Rico. For those of you who haven’t heard his stories, he spent several years working on boats in his 20s and just loves it. So this year we rented a boat and sailed around the islands with some friends. The sailing was great (though Jon and I both know I don’t share his love for the open sea- I tend toward sea sickness and would rather walk than sail from place to place if I could), but for me there was another aspect of the trip that really made an impact- I completely unplugged. No computer, no phone, nothing. It’s been quite a few years since I’ve unplugged longer than a weekend, and it was a great practice to observe myself “withdraw” from my devices and to give me and my brain a rest from the constant onslaught of information.

Social media appears to increase narcissism and depression among users, smartphones could be causing insomnia, depression and anxiety, and screens seem to be making our kids less empathetic. I have two daughters, aged 12 and 14 who are considered digital natives, and despite my best intentions on limiting screen time, I worry about the long-term impact on them, as well as society as a whole, as we enter this grand experiment with technology.

I can see how it impacts. “I have to be on or I’ll get behind”- says my elder daughter as she tries to keep up with Snapchat and Instagram, not even digesting the posts, but just “liking” everything that comes across her screen. FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) and the pressures of her online presence are felt acutely. This winter we saw an enormous and amazing ice castle completely made out of ice. I stopped dead in my tracks when my younger daughter, about to go down an ice slide, said to me with deep concern, “Mom, I don’t know what I should do- should I go down the slide taking a video, but then I have to be careful how I slide so the camera doesn’t shake and it won’t be as fun, but I’m also afraid that if I don’t film it, I won’t remember it.” – With much compassion, I invited her to really pay attention to her experience and make a mental photo of it in her mind. Ouch! What pressures. Here is a cool clip of what the impact of technology is on our brain.

I found an interesting research article in Fast Company where a hand-picked group of 35 CEOs, entrepreneurs, and other influencers were invited on a trip to Morocco to study their behavior with and without technology. Five undercover neuroscientists observed the group. Here’s an excerpt of what they found after only three days:

Better Posture, Deeper Friendships
After three days without technology, people’s posture noticeably changed. They began to adapt to primarily looking forward into people’s eyes, rather than downward into their screens. People’s energy opened up and seemed more approachable. Better eye contact appeared to encourage people to connect with one another more deeply.

Improved Memory
Even after a few days without technology, people were more likely to remember random details about one another, such as the names of distant relatives mentioned in passing. The neuroscientists believe that this is because people were more present in conversation, so their brains were able to process and store new information more easily. These details are actually very important in the process of bonding and learning about other people.

More-Efficient Sleep
The guests on the trip said that they did not have to sleep as long, but felt even more rested and rejuvenated. The neuroscientists believe this is because the blue light from screens suppresses melatonin in the body, which makes us more alert as we are going to sleep. Other studies support these findings.

New Perspectives
One of the most powerful findings was that people tended to make significant changes to their lives when they were offline for a while. Some decided to make big changes in their career or relationships, while others decided to recommit to health and fitness. The lack of constant distraction appeared to free people’s minds to contemplate more important issues in their lives.

I noticed all of these things myself, in addition to some much needed quality time with my husband, uninterrupted time to just read, go for a walk or swim, or have a relaxing drink at sunset. Of course, all of these things are possible at home, too, but unplugging was a helpful boundary to take away the pressures of what I could or should be doing. I’m looking at ways I can bring more of that back home, and invite you, as well. See below for next steps.

Book Review: Leading and Managing in the Social Sector: Strategies for Advancing Human Dignity and Social Justice

Leading and Managing In The Social Sector

Editors: S. Aqeel Tirmizi and John D. Vogelsang

For the first time, I’m able to recommend a book that I participated in writing! While it’s hot off the shelves and I haven’t read all of it yet, (though I know that Chapter 12 on Women’s Leadership Development is very good), this book offers important developments in the field of leadership for the social sector in order to have more impact. The opening quotation of the book, by bell hooks (who doesn’t capitalize her name) expresses the intention of the book compellingly: “There must exist a paradigm, a practical model for social change that includes an understanding of ways to transform consciousness that are linked to efforts to transform structures.” The book covers Leading Social Innovation, Engaging Meaningfully in the Complex Social Context, Fostering Organizational Resilience, Leading in Social Sector Organizations, and Measuring Success. I highly recommend it! (Please email me if you’d like me to send you just a copy of my chapter on Women’s Leadership Development Through Networks of Support).

Moving From Theory To Action: The Importance of Celebrating Progress

ACT

To support you in practicing celebrating successes, here are some reflection questions:

 1. Looking back on my most recent accomplishments, are there any that I or my work team haven’t celebrated yet? Is it possible to do so now from the perspective of “Better late than never?”

2. To what extent do I have clear, measurable, meaningful goals at work? (Research shows that we need clear goals and they need to be personally meaningful to us).

3. If there are big goals, what are some milestones along that way that I can mark my progress? (The Power of Small Wins by Harvard Business Review, 2011,goes into this more)

4. How might I celebrate these successes and milestones? With whom?

5. What can I do today to set a celebration in motion? (Identify a few possible ways to celebrate? Send an email to someone to have a conversation about this? Set some possible dates?)

Book Review: Aung San Suu Kyi’s “Freedom from Fear” Speech (1990)

Aung San Suu Kyi

Having just returned from the B Corp* Champions Retreat in Philadelphia, I’m going to deviate from my typical book review format and instead offer a speech that was discussed at the Retreat. Each year the conference organizers select a speech designed to invite us to pause, deeply reflect and be inspired by courageous leaders in the world, and then discuss it in small groups. This year’s selection was

Aung San Suu Kyi’s “Freedom from Fear” Speech (1990)

Aung San Suu Kyi led the National League for Democracy (NLD) to a majority win in Myanmar’s first open elections in 25 years in 2015. The win came five years to the day since she was released from 15 years of house arrest. In 1991 she was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for or her non-violent struggle for democracy and human rights.. Suu Kyi asks us to look at at least one of the root causes of exclusion – fear, and invites us to consider what is required of each of us to rise about our most base emotions to live into our highest aspirations. The text is a short three pages and offers a different cultural lens with which to look at the human condition. I believe her message, written over 25 years ago from another context, is very relevant to understanding our current US political arena.

*My business, Watershed Coaching, LLC is a certified B Corp– a Benefit corporation committed to business being a force for good.

Moving From Theory to Action: Curious vs. Convinced

ACT

To support you in deepening your curiosity with those who hold different views from you, I offer some questions reprinted with permission by my friend and colleague, Howard Ross. These come from his company’s resource guide: Inclusive Responses in Times of Fear. See this and other resources on cookross.com.

 1. How do you feel about people who think differently than you about this?

2. What are you afraid of? What is more inspiring to you than fear?

3. How can you engage in these conversations authentically and whole-heartedly? What might get in the way?

4. What are you committed to? How do you see your role/contribution in any conversations or actions?

5. What is your desired outcome for these conversations?

Curious vs. Convinced

replace-fear-with-curiosity

I’m going to go out on a limb and talk about politics. This presidential election season has been hard for me. The name calling, rudeness, and divisiveness of this campaign has me disheartened, and I know I’m not alone in this sentiment. I just can’t wait for it to be over. The major media outlets including The Huffington Post, The Atlantic and even Fox News are writing about how to manage election stress. It feels like the negative election energy is seeping into our pores, and to try to prevent that, we armor up and get rigid in our views and stay in our camps of righteousness in order to not feel the fear, and the pain of not understanding one another. Yet I don’t want to harden myself against half the population. That feels like a very high cost to us as a nation, and I’m in the inquiry of how to hold my dignity and the dignity of others through this election period.

“I’m right, they’re idiots” is what it boils down to in our political dialogue, not only with the candidates but also how we look at our neighbors, colleagues and family members who disagree with us. Recently I’ve been thinking, “Where do I go from here? How do I get out of this righteous mindset?” Rather than convince myself more that my side is right, how might I open the door to curiosity instead? Jonathan Haidt, author of The Righteous Mind, Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion (click to his fascinating 19-minute TED Talk) offers a path of understanding. He explains that reasoning with others doesn’t work because our beliefs are based more deeply than that. He asserts that there are six fundamental ideas that commonly undergird moral systems: care, fairness, liberty, loyalty, authority and sanctity. Republicans and Democrats vote based on these moral interests, and how they weight each in importance tends to define their vote.

For me, this premise helps me to be a bit more curious and less judgmental. Fundamentally, I believe that fear is a prominent driver in our life, as our brains are hardwired to sense danger and to protect. And if we fear that our moral values are at stake we will fight to protect them. In this case, fighting is the rhetoric we hear in the election arena. But instead of fighting the Other, if I can understand the fear behind others’ view I can then find a place where I can connect with them– what do they fear losing? What are the values they hold dear? It doesn’t mean I’m negating my views, but for a few moments, it allows me to pause and connect with their humanity and mine. Haidt’s research helps make it more concrete for me.

This topic feels risky for me to put out here, and as I reread it, I know that I risk being misunderstood, or considered preachy, naïve or something else. But ultimately I want to share the value in upholding the dignity of all, which is sometimes lost in the Red versus Blue war. If it serves as one small drop in the well toward understanding and healing, then it will have been worth it.

Book Review: Everyday Bias

Everyday Bias

By: Howard Ross

Howard is a dear friend and colleague, and I am glad to have the opportunity to share this book with you as it delves into the neuroscience of our own bias and how to work with it in a work environment and our personal lives. This book is filled with powerful examples and research on unconscious bias that draws you in and gets you more curious about how our mind operates.

From sports, to healthcare, music, and power in our society, Howard navigates us through these charged topics without shaming anyone, and offers ways that we can individually and organizationally begin to explore and work with our bias. It’s an eye-opening book that leaves me hopeful in times when we need it. Sending a prayer for the victims of Orlando and the countless numbers of those before them. May we each contribute in some small way today toward creating a more caring and kind world.

Moving From Theory To Action: Our Actions Matter, And Then There’s Forgiveness

ACT

To support you in “Our Actions Matter, And Then There’s Forgiveness”. This is a big topic, but here are some questions to prompt some reflection.

1. In what ways to do I act with kindness and care toward others in a way that is in alignment with my values? (Taking a strengths-based approach by recognizing what we already do right is helpful to making change).

2. With whom would I like to be more conscious with in my actions?

3. Is there anyone that to whom I can extend some forgiveness? Am I holding a negative bias with anyone based on some individual incident?

4. Where in my life can I forgive myself for my own shortcomings with others?

Our Actions Matter, And Then There’s Forgiveness

Villanova Reunion 2016

It’s graduation and reunion time, and I just returned from my 25th at Villanova University. Although I was really active there as an undergrad, over the years I lost touch with most people, and so coming back was really a blast from the past. What I found most interesting about the weekend was my memory and brain through it all. Here were people I haven’t seen in 25 years, and I would often have an automatic response of moving toward or moving away from someone in a flash. There was one guy in particular who when I saw him, I knew that we hung out together as buddies in some way, but I couldn’t put my finger on the specific memories. I was compelled to come up to him and say, “Hi! I know I know you and I like you, I just can’t remember why.” He couldn’t remember either, but he said it was the best compliment of the day. There was something in my memory that said, “Here’s a good guy, reconnect with him.” I also had a moment, in all honesty, when I saw someone else and immediately thought to myself, “He’s an [jerk]” (Language adapted for all audiences). Twenty-five years later there were these visceral reactions to people after just a moment of seeing their faces. It’s got me reflecting on lasting impressions we have of others, and those we make.

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou.

This quote represents much of the reunion weekend for me. I had an immediate move toward or move away from people based on past memories. One of my questions of the weekend was to ask if they could anchor a memory- remind me how we knew each other or a specific incident- because then I found the memories came flooding back. In one instance, a guy Scott reminded me that I brought him balloons on his birthday freshman year. It all then came back that we had just met during orientation, and I thought that it’d be tough to have a birthday when you didn’t yet have friends, so I brought him balloons. It was an action that mattered to him, and it created a good connection between us even 25 years later.

So on one hand, our actions do matter. If we’re kind to people we’ll likely have friends. Karma in action. And yet there is danger in letting past actions dictate our future. Memories are our past- so how do we check our bias? The guy I had a reaction to as a jerk- I need to remind myself that whatever data I had at the time to draw that conclusion is 25 years old, when he was 21, and maybe he’s changed over time. Maybe I saw him at a bad moment when I made that conclusion. Maybe I didn’t see him when he brought balloons to someone else. Maybe I can forgive and drop the bias and allow him to just be a person at a reunion, trying his best to go through this life just as I am. And to what extent can I extend that same forgiveness to myself for my less than honorable moments, those bad days when I didn’t have patience and I snapped at people? How can I reach toward living a life from my higher self, and forgiving myself and others when we don’t? It’s a lifelong practice, and I’m grateful for the reminder.

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