The Importance of Morning Rituals

Fall is always a get-back-into-the-routine kind of season. The more relaxed feel of summer fades as kids go back to school and work projects ramp up. For me, morning rituals are an important part of starting my day off on the right foot, and it’s something that I strongly encourage my clients to consider. Everything we do each day is a practice whether we’re conscious of it or not, so if the first thing I do is check email even before getting out of bed, that’s a practice. And unfortunately, research shows that that practice will likely negatively impact your whole day. At the same time, if I take the first moments of my day to engage in positive rituals such as reading an inspiring quotation, meditating, gentle stretching, and/or setting an intention for the day, I’m setting a foundation for a more positive day.

If you do an internet search you’ll find lots of suggestions on the best rituals to start your mornings. The intention is to create a routine that gives you energy, creates a positive mindset, and sets a successful tone for the day. I’ll offer a few that resonate with me.

Practice gratitude: There is a great deal of research on how gratitude increases well-being, relationships, optimism, physical and mental health and overall happiness, so practicing gratitude is a no-brainer. In my life, Jon and I wake up and cuddle for a few minutes then share something we’re grateful for. Another option suggested is to write in a gratitude journal.

Read something inspiring: Whether it is as short as reading a powerful quotation or a chapter of a book, daily learning and reflection is important. About a year ago, Jon and I started a practice of sharing a morning reading together (one of those books that has 365 days of wisdom) and we really enjoy it.

Be silent: Actively meditating, praying or breathing can be helpful in this fast-paced world. Most mornings, I light a candle, say my personal commitment to myself and then sit for 10-20 minutes. In the summer I do a walking meditation in my labyrinth outside.

Set an intention for the day: “What good shall I do this day?” is the question Benjamin Franklin asked himself each morning. I often ask clients to say their leadership commitment in the morning as a way to remind themselves of what they care about and what they want to pay attention to. You could also reflect on something you’re looking forward to or plan for possible challenges.

Make your bed: In the Power of Habit, author Charles Duhigg claims that making your bed is a “keystone habit” correlated with better productivity and a greater sense of well-being. It’s an initial positive action that starts a chain reaction for other good habits take hold. We use a duvet cover to make it quick and easy!

Exercise: Exercise improves blood circulation, builds energy and improves your cognitive skills. I typically do the 7-minute workout and my physical therapy exercises before breakfast. Some people (e.g., Barak Obama) swear by doing their exercise first thing in the morning as a way to make sure it happens.

Connect with loved ones: Research shows that people who have positive relationships live longer- a kiss or hug before leaving for work is good for us. For myself, in addition to the morning kiss goodbye to Jon, I also try to be in the kitchen for the fifteen minutes when the girls are eating breakfast as a way to be available and have a little conversation before they go back into their rooms to get ready for the day. (They’re no longer into the hug and kiss goodbye like they were when they were five.)

Cup of coffee or tea: One can’t deny the popularity of a morning beverage as a worldwide ritual. The familiarity, the comfort, the small joy it brings can be an important way to start the day. For me, after the kids are at school I enjoy my first cup of coffee while preparing for the day at my computer. Other people may use morning coffee as a time to connect with family, a quiet, reflective individual time, a pleasant treat while driving to work, or as a way to say hello to neighbors in the coffee shop.

Eat breakfast: The book, Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength, recounts a research study where a group of children were told to skip breakfast, and then at school, half the students received breakfast and half did not. Guess what happened? Those children who got breakfast learned more and misbehaved less, and then after all the children got a snack, the differences dissipated. Think you’re above that as an adult? Think again.

Worst thing first: We tend to have more self-control in the morning, so before getting on email, Facebook, etc. spend the first 20-30 minutes of your day doing your most important task that you’re likely to procrastinate on. I find that when I choose the task the evening before and write it down, the next morning when I get to my computer I jump right into it (sometimes I even open the document the night before) and it creates enormous positive momentum for the day. Mark Twain called this, “Eat your frog.”

Delay getting on email: What you don’t do can be as important as what you choose to do. Studies show that email is a stresser and negatively impacts productivity– so by staying off of it, you’re helping to manage your mood from the start.

Here are a few other things to consider: brush your teeth right when you get up, make your bed, drink a glass of water to rehydrate, get outside even for a few minutes, set your intentions before bed the night before, put your alarm clock across the room to avoid the “snooze” button, get dressed right away, end your shower with a blast of cold water (invigorating!), say a daily affirmation, journal (“morning pages” as described in “”The Artist’sWay” by Julia Cameron is an exercise many people love),

Clearly, there are a lot of choices on ways to start your day.  Join me in reflecting on what intentional morning rituals you want to try out.

Book Review: The Art of Saying No

By: Damon Zahariades

For those who really want to master the art of saying no, this book can transform your way of thinking. It’s broken down into three sections. Part 1: The psychology of assertiveness and the importance of asserting your needs. Part 2: The reasons we struggle to say no. Part 3: Concrete strategies for saying no (brilliant-they give you the language to say it!), Part 4: How to say know to certain groups of people (spouse, boss, children, clients, yourself, etc.) Insightful and pragmatic. Highly recommend.

Moving From Theory To Action

To support you in reflecting on your “no”, here are some reflection questions:

-How did my background (culture, gender, race, socio-economic status, education, work history, personal experiences, etc.) influence my relationship to saying no?

-To what extent can I appreciate how this perspective was trying to keep me safe?

-What are the risks and costs to saying and not saying no generally?

-From the voice of my inner wisdom, what do I want to remind myself the next time I want to say no?

To say no to a specific request:

-What is the yes, behind the no? For the sake of what do I feel I need to say no to this?

-What do I want to say/have them understand? (although “No.” is a complete sentence, so you may choose not to say more.)

-What might be my opening lines?

-How can I prepare your body to be centered (vs. tense, rigid, collapsed, etc.)?

Why Saying No is Good

This time of year always seems particularly full: work projects to be completed before summer begins in earnest, end-of-school activities, yard work and planting that needs tending and gorgeous weather that calls me to go outside for a bike ride, walk, or a casual drink with a friend. “Can-do” attitudes are admired at work and at home. Saying “yes” when someone asks you for something makes you a team player, an ideal employee, and an all-around productive human being. But in deeper reflection, maybe it’s doesn’t?  Taking on too much, losing priorities and trying to be something to everyone can not only leave an individual exhausted, but can compromise our personal capacity as well as the capacity of an organization.

This year at the Vermont Businesses for Social Responsibility conference, I co-presented a workshop on “Why Saying No is Good for Business.” Learning how to successfully navigate a “no” and communicate more honestly and effectively when given a request is an essential skill for everyone wanting to create balance and focus both in work and in life generally.

The first distinction I want to offer comes from Fernando Flores, an Argentinian professor, entrepreneur, politician and management consultant. He created a model on types of conversations, including Conversations for Action. In it, he asserts that there are five possible responses to a request, not just two, “yes” or “no”. (And many people, especially at work, may think that no isn’t an option, so there isn’t really much choice).

Responses to a request:

Request for clarification -For many of us this step is critical. I think I’m not alone in having said yes, and then realizing I don’t really understand what was asked for me, or it turned into something much bigger or different than I expected.

Ex: “I’m not completely sure what you’re asking for. Could you give me more specifics of the changes you want to see in this month’s report?”

Accept – The tricky thing here is for your “yes” to truly be a “yes.” Align your word and actions. When we say “yes” and then don’t follow through, it breaks trust and puts our integrity into question.

Ex: “Yes, I can do that by 4pm today.”

 Decline -Many people think that a “No” isn’t allowed or appropriate, but if we don’t say no to active requests sometimes, then we may be saying no to things that are actually more important to us. If I say yes to every non-profit board request, I’ll be at meetings most evenings, and then I’ll in effect be saying no to family dinner. Getting clarity around your “yes” behind the “no” can give you the grounding and energy to be willing to give the uncomfortable “no”.

Ex: For a tech-savvy person who gets asked to solve everyone’s computer problems: “I’m sorry, I know I’ve helped you with that before, but I really think you need to ask someone in IT about that.”

Counter Offer -This is helpful if you want to say yes to at least part of it, but you have other constraints or considerations. What I appreciate is that it’s more honest than making a promise you can’t keep. People would rather have the truth than to have you say yes, but then not fulfill. Counter offer is stepping into a negotiation to find common ground on what works for both of you.

Ex: “Sorry, I can’t get that to you today. However, I could get you a draft before my meeting starts at 2pm. Or alternatively I could get you a finished draft by 10am tomorrow.”

Promise to commit -For those situations when you just need a bit more time to process and consider the request, promise to commit offers a pause button to center and consider what you really want and can do. I often invite people who tend to be “automatic yes’s” to master this strategy.

Ex: “I need to check in with my supervisor first. Can I give her a call and get back to you in an hour?”

What I appreciate about this model is that if offers me more choice and agency in responding to a request.

That said, applying these strategies isn’t necessarily easy. Social context matters. This is the deeper aspect of understanding why no can be so difficult and why we all won’t just go forth with the above-mentioned suggestions. We need to recognize that our backgrounds and experiences are going to have a profound influence on how much agency we think or we have to say no. As an example, generally speaking, women are “supposed” to be helpful and kind- and saying no goes against the norm, and thus may carry greater negative consequences. One’s positional power (boss makes a request of subordinate) or social context-cultural upbringing, race, social status, education, etc. will all influence our relationship with “no”. What is the fear behind saying no? All of this comes into play. It makes it more complex than we’d probably like, but it needs to be considered when we enter this topic. See below for some more reflection questions.

Book Review: Pioneer Species

By: Ross Thurber

“Let winter sink into a soft spring night.
May valley fog rise to the foothills
and the foothills be buried in a purple cloak.”
-Excerpt from the poem, “Bell Foundry “

A book of poetry isn’t my typical book recommendation on leadership, but with the theme of nature, mud season, and Vermont, I wanted to offer this book as an opportunity to access a different way of learning through the beauty of words, slowly sipped. Ross is a dairy farmer and dear friend of mine, and this collection of his poetry takes you through the seasons as he lives them on his farm in southern Vermont. I don’t read a lot of poetry, but I find his poems to be thought-provoking but not too obscure. Just like mud season, there are jewels and lessons to be learned through poetry if we can take the time to let the words unfold in their time.

water-shed (watr'shed') Noun: a critical point that marks a division or change of course; a turning point — © 2014 WatershedCoaching. All rights reserved.