Real Life Scary Stories our Brain Invents
How Fear Has Us Make Mountains Out of Mole Hills
I want to share a learning I’ve had recently by opening with a story. I’ve been training all summer for a 75-mile, hilly (6,700 feet of elevation) fundraising event bike ride, and part of that training included climbing all the different roads in my area. I had done many, but always feared one in particular (add creepy music here)… Putney Mountain. It’s a long, 5.5-mile winding road that crests at the top of a mountain. I’ve driven it many times, and it seems to just go up, up, up. I know many cyclists in the area bike it, but they were at levels beyond me, and I was completely intimidated by it.
In September, it was the last hill to knock off the list, and so I made a plan to take it on. That night, I woke a couple of times with a pit in my stomach, my mind turning Putney Mountain into Lonely Mountain of Lord of the Rings, on the quest of a lifetime. Throughout the ride, I continued to be nervous, worried about what I would see around the next bend, the incline that would ultimately test my will and fortitude like one of those energy bar commercials. And then, I was at the top. Dumbfounded as I realized there were no dragons to slay, no inclines so steep I was at risk of falling backward. My brain really did create a story, and I laughed to myself at how much energy the fear of this ride had cost me, not only this week, but for years, as in my mind this ride separated the real cyclists from the hacks. What would have changed if I didn’t pay attention to that fear and had ridden it years earlier? (I realized later I had already biked much steeper climbs). What about you? Where have you seen fear take hold only to realize you were shaking from a shadow, not a dragon?
Interesting Nugget: How to Ground Yourself in Times of Fear
In my work with clients, I frequently offer a 360-degree assessment tool. During this process, the client receives anonymous feedback from their boss, peers, subordinates and other stakeholders they identify. It takes courage to open yourself to such an experience, and I had one client who found she was really worried about what others would say, sometimes those thoughts returning in the wee hours of the night. She feared that she would have the worst 360 I have ever seen, and was afraid she’d have written evidence of what a bad manager she was. We spent a lot of time preparing for it. You might guess where this story is going-- it was most positive assessment I’d ever seen. She is a well-respected leader in the company, insightful, decisive and caring. She learned a lot through facing her fears, not only the insights the 360-degree assessment offered, but also to see how ungrounded her worries were.
When gripped with fear, here are a few strategies that might create movement:
Remember feelings aren’t facts: It can be useful to remember that just because we’re thinking it and feeling it, doesn’t make it true. These are thinking patterns, and the more we can see them for what they are, rather than the “truth,” we can loosen the grip they have on us.
Review the data: We ground our beliefs with evidence, so if you have a belief, it can be useful to check the data. In my biking example, it would have been so helpful for me to actually look at the incline and elevation as that would have given me a more accurate picture, rather than imagining some impossible ride. I would have seen that I had ridden similar mountains before. For my client, after noticing her self-talk, checking if this negative assessment has any evidence is useful. Talking to friends and colleagues can be a valuable reality check.
Right-size the story: We have a built-in bias to magnify the negative and minimize the positive as a way to keep us safe. Sometimes we need to bring a bit more perspective. One mistake isn’t typically catastrophic, and give a little credit to yourself for all that you do every day.
Reflect on what’s the worst that could happen: When we experience fear, our amygdala takes over, and we lose our rational thinking. In my case, when I actually thought about what’s the worst that could happen, “it could be too steep for me to bike up”, and what then? “I could get off my bike and walk for a bit,” I realized that the threat wasn’t really that great, I wasn’t going to die.
Think in shades of grey or a continuum: Instead of my client thinking she is either a good leader or a terrible leader, she could build in a little nuance to understand that she has many qualities that contribute to her effectiveness and a likely a couple of areas she can continue to develop. In my own case, I had created a false marker of “real cyclist” or “hack.” In reality, there are many kinds of “real cyclists,” from hardcore racers to casual weekend riders, and I am one who enjoys setting a goal while seeing different places from the seat of my bike.
What about you? I’d love to hear about your experience and wisdom of what has worked for you in facing your fears. If you have a moment, please drop me a note!
Great Link
Insightful Oprah compilation of words of wisdom by thought leaders in this field. (3:49)
Reflection Exercise: Moving from Theory to Action
To support you in learning more about your pattern of fears:
As a self-reflection exercise, I invite you to identify several fears you had over the last few months and take a moment to journal:
What was the fear I had?
What were the sensations and feeling in my body when the fear was present?
How might I have rewritten the mental tape: (Remember Feelings aren’t facts, Review the data, Right-size the story, Reflect on the worst that could happen, Think in shades of grey or a continuum).
What have I learned from this exercise that I want to remember the next time fear shows up?
Quarterly Quote
Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones.
--Thich Nhat Hanh
Book Review
Emotional Rescue: How to Work with Your Emotions to Transform Hurt and Confusion into Energy that Empowers You
By Dzongchen Ponlop
What I appreciate about this book is that it shows a path back to a more centered space when we feel overwhelmed and hijacked by our emotions. The author offers a three-step process with examples and exercises, a process that is simple, though not necessarily easy. 1. Mindful Gap- create a safe distance between me and my emotions which allows for the space to work with the energy. It’s like putting on the pause button so we don’t keep ramping up the system. Once the system is a bit calmer, we move to 2. Clear Seeing- which is about taking the bigger view, beyond this incident, noticing patterns in mood, as well as one’s larger inner narrative. 3. Letting Go- this involves a process to relax your body and your mind to allow the emotion to dissipate. I have found it to be a helpful framework.