Ukrainians are dying, and i just had a great day-hmmm…
Reflecting on the Language of “And”
I wake each morning now with a small feeling of dread in my stomach wondering what has happened to Ukraine overnight, as I go to the web to check the news. As many of you know, I’m Lithuanian-American, and Honorary Consul of Lithuania to Vermont. Lithuania is a big part of my life. I lived there under Soviet occupation from 1991-1993, worked at the Lithuanian Embassy in Washington, DC with the first diplomatic corps, and have visited Lithuania with our family almost every year.
This war is kicking up my own history of growing up during the Cold War and living in Lithuania under occupation, as well as the historical trauma of my ancestors. I can feel the contraction and bracing in my body. And yet, now after a month, I’m adjusting to this new normal, the Ukraine headlines are getting smaller, and I move on with my days, and even went on an already-planned vacation. I had a bit of unease and maybe even guilt thinking, “Who am I to have such an amazing time, while there is so much suffering in the world?” And yet, this has always been the way- there is suffering and then there are moments in the midst of the suffering that joy comes. I sometimes wonder how to hold it. How about you?
Powerful Distinction: The Language of “And”
This isn’t a new conversation, and I don’t want to come off sounding like I have some deep words of wisdom to impart on this topic, but here are a few thoughts I’ve been sitting with. Because after the initial shock and tears and fear surfacing in my body on this war, I then need to tend to the reality of my everyday life.
Here are a few distinctions that have been helping me get out of my either/or thinking:
I can’t stop the war, AND yet, I can do something. How do I want to calibrate what living in right alignment is for me? I can declare what I will do: donate, write one political letter of advocacy, talk to one friend, pray, etc. There are lots of possibilities.
The refugee situation in Ukraine is tragic, AND I can use my personal felt sense of heartbreak to this Ukraine crisis to connect me to the suffering in communities I know less about (for example, refugees from Haiti, Latin America and Syria just to name a few) as a moment of awakening to and bringing more compassion to broader global human suffering.
I can feel the fear of what war brings into my consciousness, AND I can try to transform this fear into deepening my daily gratitude for what I have. Rather than numbing the fear, I can use it to access my connection to the preciousness in life, and be grateful for all is wonders.
I am filled with terrible outrage, sadness and horror, AND when moments of unexpected joy arrive, I can appreciate and be awake to them, savoring the beauty and goodness in the world in that moment. It seems we’re wired for joy, as we find ourselves laughing together during a eulogy, or smiling when we see a baby babbling away in the grocery cart, in spite of the bad news we just received. And therefore, I will not temper or squander my moments of joy when they arise, but rather allow them to live here together, weaving it all into what will be the tapestry of my life in all its color and texture.
When I get triggered, noticing what’s going on in my body, the sensations and feelings, naming them, feeling my feet on the ground, and breathing through the constriction has been helpful to finding my baseline and then see the “and” that is possible. What “ands” support you?
Great Link
I’m always inspired watching how much joy the Dalai Lama exudes in life. The clip is about his book “The Book of Joy” (7:12)
Reflection Exercise: Moving from Theory to Action
To support you cultivating “and”:
Though I typically offer a journaling exercise, instead I’d like to offer a somatic practice by Dr. Kristen Neff that’s been very helpful to me when I notice my own pain.
Say to myself:
This is a moment of suffering
Suffering is a part of life. I am not alone. Others feel this way, too. Put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands
May I be kind to myself. May I give myself the compassion that I need, May I forgive myself, May I be strong, May I be patient.
Find the language that speaks to you, and when you feel stress, you can call on these three aspects of self-compassion when you need it.
Quarterly Quote
I will never apologize for embracing joy and beauty- even when the world is falling apart-because joy and beauty are my fuel for activism. -Karen Walrond
Book Review
The Book of Delights
By: Ross Gay
I first heard about this book in a podcast on finding joy. Ross Gay is a black man living in America, acutely aware of the complexities, losses and even terrors in his life, and decides to embark on a year-long project to write about the delights he experiences every day. The topics he covers are varied, accessible, and cultivate my own desire to notice delights every day. (In fact, since the beginning of the year I’ve been writing one sentence of a delight I experienced today.) It’s a great book to flip through and savor a small story from one paragraph to several pages. A lovely resource to have at the nightstand to help remind us of the abundance of delights if we are awake to them.
Ukraine photo: flikr: manhhai "Russia Ukraine War - Day 47: