What I Learned From Granny’s Summer Picnics
Cultivating Friendships As Adults
As the fullness of summer is upon us, I remember the almost weekly summer picnics my Granny and Grandpa had in their small back yard in Connecticut. The yard was filled with family and friends sitting in aluminum yard chairs with the scratchy woven webbing, little metal drink tables rusting at the edges, holding warming cocktails and ashtrays (this was the 70s after all), by their side. There was a card table with deviled eggs, clam dip with Ruffles potato chips, and other appetizers, and a meal of chicken, potato salad and coleslaw. The parties would start in the afternoon and go to dark. But it wasn’t just in summer. Throughout the year there were weekly card games, gatherings at the Svea Swedish social club, and occasional dinners out. (They actually put aside a dollar a week or so, and when they had enough a group of friends would go out to eat together.) They had a full and vibrant social life, and I’m sometimes envious of the depth and breadth of their relationships. Multiple studies show that friendships in the United States have been on the decline (for women and even more for men) for the last thirty years-- so much so, that loneliness is becoming a public health crisis.
Hundreds of “friends” on Facebook and Instagram doesn’t mean we have the quality friendships we desire. And once we’re adults, it becomes harder to make friendships.
Our earliest friendships are typically based on proximity and convenience: the kid who lives next door, the kid in your class, the kid whose parents are friends with your parents. Jeffrey Hall, a professor of communications studies at the University of Kansas, researched the time invested to cultivate friendships. He found that it took about 50 hours of interaction to move from acquaintance to casual friend, about 90 hours to move from casual friend to friend, and more than 200 hours to qualify as a best friend.
This explains how it’s so much harder to make friends as an adult than at college living in a dorm room. With lots of free time and living proximity, one could get the 200 hours in by the end of the first semester. I compare that to a friend of mine with whom I go for a weekly walk for an hour. Assuming we walk together fifty weeks a year, that’s four years to hit the “best friend” category. It’s a much longer arc of time to develop that depth of connection and takes more concerted effort and commitment.
But it’s not just about time in. Adults in the U.S. spend an inordinate amount of time at work, relative to other OECD countries. But spending time at work doesn’t mean one is friends with everyone at work. The discerning factor is whether one truly shares about themselves. As Brené Brown, social researcher, shares, “True connection comes from being vulnerable with another.” For some, that doesn’t happen at the work place.
Things are a bit different now from my grandparents day, but as human beings, we still need people in our lives. After doing some of my own reading on the subject, I want to offer two practices to consider for cultivating more friendships. Simple, though not necessarily easy.
Plan and Initiate
Relying on chance encounters to make friends may lead to disappointment. One research study showed that people who believe making friends takes effort report fewer feelings of loneliness. So rather than waiting, take small steps to initiate conversations by meeting your neighbor, showing up at your local community center, yoga class, or even a bar may be more fruitful. Finding people with like-minded interests helps. (For those who can’t fully commit to a book club, I always thought an “article club” would be fun!) With limited free time, it can be easier to schedule set times to get together for a weekly walk or coffee rather than reaching out each week.
2. Practice a little vulnerability
It’s a bit of a buzzword these days, but it’s hard to argue with the research. Rather than editing yourself to put your best face forward, talking about your fears, desires and flaws actually builds more lasting connections. We can’t form deep relationships by keeping people at arm’s length. For some this is easy, and for others it takes smaller steps. You don’t have to share what makes you feel uncomfortable, but providing some personal tidbits can provide someone with a window into your life and build more connection.
While I can’t go back to the summer days of my grandparents, I do try to take some action. Two examples include: Professionally, I offer the Women’s Leadership Circles of Vermont to build meaningful networks of support. (The next on is in Franklin/Grand Isle Counties). Personally, I’ve been organizing a neighborhood gathering since 2017, where we meet at a local restaurant three times a year. It’s been lovely to get to know my neighbors and to know who lives in each house on our street.
Covid showed us how critical our friends our to our mental health and well-being. May each of us find a circle or two where we feel ourselves.
Great Link
Ted Lasso and Diamond Dogs- a great clip showing male friendships. (1:55)
Reflection Exercise: Moving from Theory to Action
To support you cultivating your friendships taking the recommendations from above:
Who are people in your life already that you’d like to get to know better? What topics might you share a bit more about yourself (being vulnerable) so that others could get insight into what’s important to you?
Who are people in your geographic life that you could get to know (think neighbors, people at the coffee shop, people you see at the gym).
What are the things you enjoy doing? Are there groups that you could participate in to meet people with the same interests? Any volunteering options?
What’s a next step for you to take action on building friendships?
Quarterly Quote
It is not important to have a long friend list on Facebook and Whatsapp. But it is important to have at least one friend who can read your face as a book and ask “What’s up?” -Anonymous
Book Review
Friendship in the Age of Loneliness: An Optimist's Guide to Connection
By: Adam Smiley Poswolsky
This post-pandemic book provides some introductory context to how loneliness has increased since Covid and emphasizes the need for greater attention to meaningful social connections and friendships for our health and well-being. He offers lots of strategies for re-igniting friendships, meeting new people, and bringing more play into one’s life. What I appreciate is that it breaks down making friends into actionable bites based on one’s own comfort level. It’s a concrete guide on how to navigate our way back to in-person friendships after years languishing in the virtual world. Pragmatic and optimistic.