When You Really Don’t want to Say “Yes”
Different Ways to Respond to Requests
This time of year always seems particularly full: work projects to be completed before summer begins in earnest, end-of-school activities, yard work and planting that needs tending and gorgeous weather that calls me to go outside for a bike ride, walk, or a casual drink with a friend. “Can-do” attitudes are admired at work and at home. Saying “yes” when someone asks you for something makes you a team player, an ideal employee, and an all-around productive human being. But in deeper reflection, maybe it’s doesn’t? Taking on too much, losing priorities and trying to be something to everyone can not only leave an individual exhausted, but can compromise our personal capacity as well as the capacity of an organization.
I’m excited to share that Watershed Coaching was just B-Corp certified! “What’s that?” you might wonder? For those of you who aren’t as familiar, B (Benefit) Corp is to business what Fair Trade certification is to coffee or USDA Organic certification is to milk. B Corps requires meeting rigorous standards of social and environmental performance, accountability, and transparency.
It’s a symbolic acknowledgement of the work I do and what I believe is important in business. What I really appreciated about the process was that it got me focused in a concrete way about how my business reflects my values and what the metrics are that that demonstrate actual actions that bring those values to life. And it had me get clear on things I needed to say no to, in order to make this happen.
Distinction: Five Options for Responding to a Request
This year at the Vermont Businesses for Social Responsibility conference, I co-presented a workshop on "Why Saying No is Good for Business." Learning how to successfully navigate a "no" and communicate more honestly and effectively when given a request is an essential skill for everyone wanting to create balance and focus both in work and in life generally.
The first distinction I want to offer comes from Fernando Flores, an Argentinian professor, entrepreneur, politician and management consultant. He created a model on types of conversations, including Conversations for Action. In it, he asserts that there are five possible responses to a request, not just two, "yes" or "no". (And many people, especially at work, may think that no isn't an option, so there isn't really much choice).
Responses to a request:
Request for clarification -For many of us this step is critical. I think I'm not alone in having said yes, and then realizing I don't really understand what was asked for me, or it turned into something much bigger or different than I expected.
Ex: "I'm not completely sure what you're asking for. Could you give me more specifics of the changes you want to see in this month's report?"
Accept - The tricky thing here is for your "yes" to truly be a "yes." Align your word and actions. When we say "yes" and then don't follow through, it breaks trust and puts our integrity into question.
Ex: "Yes, I can do that by 4pm today."
Decline -Many people think that a "No" isn't allowed or appropriate, but if we don't say no to active requests sometimes, then we may be saying no to things that are actually more important to us. If I say yes to every non-profit board request, I'll be at meetings most evenings, and then I'll in effect be saying no to family dinner. Getting clarity around your "yes" behind the "no" can give you the grounding and energy to be willing to give the uncomfortable "no".
Ex: For a tech-savvy person who gets asked to solve everyone's computer problems: "I'm sorry, I know I've helped you with that before, but I really think you need to ask someone in IT about that."
Counter Offer -This is helpful if you want to say yes to at least part of it, but you have other constraints or considerations. What I appreciate is that it's more honest than making a promise you can't keep. People would rather have the truth than to have you say yes, but then not fulfill. Counter offer is stepping into a negotiation to find common ground on what works for both of you.
Ex: "Sorry, I can't get that to you today. However, I could get you a draft before my meeting starts at 2pm. Or alternatively I could get you a finished draft by 10am tomorrow."
Promise to commit -For those situations when you just need a bit more time to process and consider the request, promise to commit offers a pause button to center and consider what you really want and can do. I often invite people who tend to be "automatic yes's" to master this strategy.
Ex: "I need to check in with my supervisor first. Can I give her a call and get back to you in an hour?"
What I appreciate about this model is that if offers me more choice and agency in responding to a request.
That said, applying these strategies isn't necessarily easy. Social context matters. This is the deeper aspect of understanding why no can be so difficult and why we all won't just go forth with the above-mentioned suggestions. We need to recognize that our backgrounds and experiences are going to have a profound influence on how much agency we think or we have to say no. As an example, generally speaking, women are "supposed" to be helpful and kind- and saying no goes against the norm, and thus may carry greater negative consequences. One's positional power (boss makes a request of subordinate) or social context-cultural upbringing, race, social status, education, etc. will all influence our relationship with "no". What is the fear behind saying no? All of this comes into play. It makes it more complex than we'd probably like, but it needs to be considered when we enter this topic. See below for some more reflection questions.
Great Link
How to say no to almost anything. This is a quick, useful clip on how to access different kinds of willpower to help you say no. Can be applied to saying no to homemade brownies, too (one of my challenges).
Moving from Theory to Action
To support you in reflecting on your “no”, here are some reflection questions:
How did my background (culture, gender, race, socio-economic status, education, work history, personal experiences, etc.) influence my relationship to saying no?
To what extent can I appreciate how this perspective was trying to keep me safe?
What are the risks and costs to saying and not saying no generally?
From the voice of my inner wisdom, what do I want to remind myself the next time I want to say no?
To say no to a specific request:
What is the yes, behind the no? For the sake of what do I feel I need to say no to this?
What do I want to say/have them understand? (although “No.” is a complete sentence, so you may choose not to say more.)
What might be my opening lines?
How can I prepare your body to be centered (vs. tense, rigid, collapsed, etc.)?
Quarterly Quote
“Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how you use it. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.” - Anna Taylor
Book Review
The Art of Saying NO: How to Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time and Energy, and Refuse to be Taken for Granted (Without Feeling Guilty!)
Damon Zahariades
For those who really want to master the art of saying no, this book can transform your way of thinking. It’s broken down into three sections. Part 1: The psychology of assertiveness and the importance of asserting your needs. Part 2: The reasons we struggle to say no. Part 3: Concrete strategies for saying no (brilliant-they give you the language to say it!), Part 4: How to say know to certain groups of people (spouse, boss, children, clients, yourself, etc.) Insightful and pragmatic. Highly recommend.