“I get by with a little help from my friends…”
The Importance of Support to Achieve Goals
As we move into autumn, with shorter days and more time indoors, I’ve been feeling at a bit out of sorts. I typically feel a bit of sadness and loss with summer over, but this year we’re still in the middle of a global pandemic, a climate crisis, elections upon us… the list feels overwhelming. I’ve been thinking about how I can ground myself with some positive habits, activities, and connections and not just sit on the couch with a remote to numb out, preparing to hibernate under a blanket until next spring.
I am curious how I might be able to find some silver linings in these Covid times, with so many things closed down and not possible. I am generally curious and motivated, but even I’m having a harder time generating energy for action. I know myself well enough to recognize that some level of purpose and engagement is going to help me with my physical, emotional and mental well-being as we move into the dark months. And I can’t do it alone. And so, I’m taking my own advice and having conversations with people to partner with me on some mutual goals to create a little more energy and structure, and to have more enjoyment along the way. Please join me to more deeply consider the power of support.
Distinction: The importance of support to achieve goals
The research is clear, we are more likely to stick with a goal if we are part of a formal group or partnership. And yet, in Covid times, it’s easy to say, “But I don’t have those supports any more-- my yoga studio is closed, the gym doesn’t feel safe for me, there’s no in-person cooking class, I lost my walking partner because I’m working from home, I can’t get on a plane for the big adventure so what’s the point training…” I get it, I’ve said these things to myself, too- they may be the first thought, but let’s not have them be the last thought. In martial arts they talk about moving to where you can, not where you can’t. Having support is like tapping into a bigger pool of willpower. Here are a few Covid-specific ideas:
In my own life, I used to go to the library or café to do work that I found difficult to start or focus on (like writing this newsletter!). With that not in the picture for me, I found Focusmate. It’s a virtual co-working site where you get partnered with a person somewhere in the world for a set time, you share your goal with them, keep your video on and get to work. At the end of the session you share with each other what you accomplished, and wish them well. It’s been an unexpected support for me, and even though I don’t know them, it keeps me focused. (I’m not getting paid to mention them).
A friend told me how she’s supporting her mother-in-law who wants to cook healthier meals. They agreed to simply send a picture of their dinners four days a week. Another friend told me how she was lamenting the fact that her brother in Canada couldn’t meet her in the United States for their annual bike ride. Not to be deterred, they created a simultaneous ride where they each planned a route in their area They got on the phone before they started to say hello and talk about their ride, took a midpoint break and checked in, showing on the phone where they were, and then ended their day with a final video chat and a beer together. Brilliant!
And then, of course, you can always have a virtual walking buddy where you get on the phone and chat while simultaneously going on a walk. What I love is that this way I get to “walk” with friends even if they’re far away. As a result I’ve deepened relationships that I wouldn’t have otherwise.
In addition, I have a friend with whom I’m exploring the topic of race and white supremacy, and I also joined an online book study with a different friend as a way to support my spirituality. I've found it helpful to ask different people for support in different areas of my life.
A few ideas on having an accountability partner:
Pick a partner who will be a good fit for the goal.
Discuss what support looks like for each of you. This could be regular conversations, daily texts that say “Done!”, photos, sharing work in progress etc.
Set the schedule in advance so you don’t have to tackle the scheduling hassle as often. For example, you can set up four different walks over multiple weeks with the same person. Get it on the calendar and live into it.
Be open with your accountability partner, talk about what’s working and what isn’t, and brainstorm new approaches. If your goal is to read four hours of fiction for fun each weekend, and you’re not getting to it, can you schedule it as a fixed time and tell your family? Or can you schedule two two-hour blocks mid-week? If that turns out to be unrealistic, what about two hours a week?
Get specific. Sharing what, and when, you will do something doubles your chance of success.
Celebrate successes together! Plan how you’ll share the completion of goals, or pick a milestone if it’s an ongoing goal, such as celebrating after six weeks of walking five days a week for thirty minutes or more.
Great Link
Dan Goldstein, a behavioral economist, talks about making long-term good choices.
Moving from Theory to Action
To support you in identifying support for your commitments:
Pick a domain you’d like to focus on: family, work, health, hobbies, finances,
Identify a specific goal (make it SMART) -hyperlink
Who might support you (and might they also want accountability for something?)
By when will you contact them? In your conversation, set a schedule for a time out into the future. You may want to hold it as an experiment with them and try it out for a month. At the end of that period, have a conversation on whether you want to continue.
Celebrate successes, reflect on what helped and how you might tweak it for the future.
Quarterly Quote
“I did it myself, but I wasn’t alone.”
Book Club and Book Review
Our Search for Belonging: How Our Need to Connect is Tearing Us Apart
by Howard Ross
As we are coming upon the deeply hostile US elections in November, I wanted to offer a book that would support how to look at our mounting political segregation. Howard Ross, a global consultant in diversity and inclusion (and a dear friend), writes about the neuroscience of belonging and connection, and the challenges that arise when we create tribes out of fear of the “other”. The book explores topics such as race, immigration status, religion and politics, and how we resort to an “us versus them” mentality, which is exacerbated by social media. It is a great book to understand the brain science behind what’s happening in our society and strategies to combat it.